Waking Up With Kids

 
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Individuality and problems step to the side, I’ve got a family to tend to.

 

Anxieties of Summer break.

 

How can a mother who adores her children be opposed to having them home for 3 months?

 

It’s a balancing act. A conundrum. I love these little people, but what is the real problem when they are around?

 

No shame, just reality. This writing is to help me re-frame my perspective.

 

Our recent history..

 

This was our first year with both kids in full day school. The adjustments were intense for us all, especially as the youngest was pushed into navigating the waters of the biggest ocean of his life. Kindergarten. After the first 9 weeks of distress, my life became mine again between the hours of 9 and 3.

 

I didn’t know what to do at first. So I did nothing. I considered myself free, and tired as hell.

 

Eventually I gained momentum and managed to keep our house on the cusp of ordered chaos and fairly managed. I volunteered, cared for our dogs, kept a carpool going, and drove to activities. Conquered mundane stay-at-home-mom tasks. But seriously, Go Me.

 

I got used to this. I loved my new life of quiet. I need this life of quiet. It was pretty much me time all the time. At least in comparison to what was. And honestly I needed this new beginning to reverse some of the effects of all that took place since 2006.

 

The short of it.

 

Starts career, works full time, 1st pregnancy after a 5 month relationship, gets married when baby is 10 months old, plans 2nd baby, raises “hardest” most sensitive 2nd baby on planet earth, and keeps toddler from killing baby. Manages not to severely hurt either child while husband travels and while going through postpartum depression and trauma therapy.

 

That’s alot.

 

Individuality and problems step to the side, I’ve got a family to tend to.

 

We’re living in the days of the mother is the village. And we come from an invalidating upbringing that says hush it, the truth is disruptive.

 

Those kids. They have the ability to ball up the truth and disruption and speed ball it directly into the faces of their beloved parents. They know and their spirits have motives. One of which is to wake us up from the deepest sleep. No more walking dead, guys.

 

That’s how it happened for me.

 

And okay, some days they’re just being kids. But when the intensity arises, the alarm clock is going off. Wake up and be present.

 

So here we are again revisiting a cycle that once traumatized me. I’ve been called to step-up and be present. I am learning to flow with grace and embrace the challenges as awakening possibilities, rather than I did not sign up for this. I am better prepared, too.

 

I’m working on embracing the in-your-face energy they do so well, while setting my own personal boundaries of needing and getting me time.

 

I say to myself..

 

Wholeness is presented to me through cycles.

 

and

 

I choose to be alive.

This is why I came here.

This is healing, this is growth.

The truth will set me free.

kidsMaya Night